Guilt: What is It Good For?

I have recently noticed the preponderance of guilt that many of my clients live with. It shows up in a variety of ways but always has the same symptomatic results: suffering, imbalance, despair, insomnia, self-loathing, eating disorders, anxiety, relational disconnection, and/or spiritual crisis. I am aware that is an abbreviated list but the verdict is in, and the finding is that guilt is an unhealthy thing. So, the questions that arise are, what do we do with guilt? What, if anything, is it good for? Since I clearly did something wrong, isn't it appropriate and even necessary that I feel guilty?

My discovery is the following in regards to these questions. Guilt is only useful for three things.

1. To learn a lesson.

2. To change a behavior.

3. To make an amends.

Guilt does serve to alert us that we have erred in some way which goes against our values. It is a signal flare from our conscious or unconscious mind that a behavior or thought is in violation of the standards which we hold true for ourselves. So, in this regard, guilt serves us because it is actively making us conscience. And since our mental and spiritual evolution is dependent on increasing our personal and relational awareness, guilt is an important vehicle for this growth.

However, the three things I listed above are all actions which should take place in due haste. They are typically not things we need to spend lots of time on or revisit often (if at all). Guilt should be a temporary state of mind, only used to affect the right shift in thought or behavior. Once we have discovered the error of our ways, made the healthy change in behavior, and apologized to the party we injured, guilt needs to go; immediately. Holding on to your guilt for one moment beyond acting on these three things is practicing in self-harm.

Let me say a bit more about this. Often due to a poor parental model, an overbearing or critical adult who was in our life (teacher, family member, clergy, etc.), or possibly from our religious background, we have gotten the false and destructive message that we need to carry our guilt. That, in some way we should pay a continual penance even after we have sincerely been contrite. I completely disagree with this. You are doing yourself and your relationships absolutely no good if you are living in guilt or shame. In fact, these feelings will surely create emotional, mental, and even physical sickness. They will also disconnect you from others and your healthiest self.

One of the odd things I notice is how generous my clients and peers are in their forgiveness of others, but how they often hold themselves to another standard. They can have empathy for another's wrongdoing, yet continue to punish themselves for a mistake or transgression that happened days, months, or even years prior. What is especially frustrating for me is when my clients, who express a Christian faith, miss (or misunderstand) the foundational teaching of forgiveness through Christ. In spiritual terms, they mistake the guilty voice in their minds as their own and not that of "the great accuser". This thinking goes against the very Spirit of the God they worship and plays right into the hands of what they would call satan.

Putting specific spiritualities aside though, and thinking just in terms of practicality, guilt is a useless and draining enemy of the mind. We all fail. We all have words and actions we wish we could take back. We all need forgiveness. That is our common humanity. It is inescapable. Forgiveness is the only way to restoration with yourself or others when a wrong has been committed. Without it, we are incomplete beings, forever longing for that graceful salve, and forever lost in our own private purgatory.

Last thing, you have heard people say, "I forgive but I don't forget." Then you don't really forgive. If true love keeps no record of wrongdoings, and I believe it does, than true forgiveness releases the person (in the case of guilt, that's you) from the destructive bondage of sorrow or penance. Again, once you have done the aforementioned three things, say goodbye to your guilt. You have taken care of it. You don't need it a minute longer. It is the enemy of your wellness.

My Daughter's Favorite Video

This one really touches some part of her spirit and mine, so I thought I would share.

Inspiration

For every parent who goes the extra mile to love your child; thank you. So many of my clients' wounds are a direct result of not feeling loved, encouraged, or supported as a child. Many have been abused, neglected, or deeply injured by their parents' failures. I wanted to post this video that inspired me several years ago to try and be a better dad; a better person.

Real Courage

Just wanted to post this. I am going to start posting some links to videos that inspire me. This one is a simple song that I heard as a child and felt its' truth. It has been said that there is only one thing worse than suffering, and that is suffering alone. It takes real courage to reach out and be vulnerable enough to ask for help. My hope is that if you are struggling or hurting, you will find someone to talk with, to lean on.

What Is, Not What If or What Was

You have this moment. You have now. The past is behind you. The future, too far to see. Bring yourself into this day, this hour, this moment. Notice your breath. What can you see, feel, hear, touch, smell. Ground yourself in the awareness that you exist, you matter. You are choosing to read my blog. You are seeking from me some words that may help, comfort, amuse, or maybe inspire. But my words are just simple ones, and what I am advocating for here requires only your presence. Be present. Be present. Be present.

We have a tendency to relive the mistakes of our past. We have a knack for living in the anxiety of what the future holds. Let go of that. You have no control over that. That is an illusion, and involves either denial or pretense. You certainly can't change the past, but you can let it go. You certainly can't control the future, so try trusting that it will be okay. What you have a say in is right now. Take a deep breath. Enjoy the warmth or cold of your drink. Actually pay attention to its taste, or if you're not drinking anything, stop reading and close your eyes and listen for a minute.

What did you hear? How do you feel? Focus on what is, let go of what if or what was. We torture ourselves with guilt or shame. We bring back the spectors of the past into our daily lives as if doing this to ourselves makes any sense. It doesn't. "But Robbie, I have to think about those things so I don't repeat those mistakes ever again." Really? You don't think that lessson, or that apology, or that feeling of guilt hasn't already been attended to? It has. Guilt and shame should only be used as instructive feelings to change behavior or learn a lesson. They should not be carried for one single moment beyond that. They are destructive, depressive, and harmful feelings to our souls. Let them go.

The future is unknown. We have a huge problem with the unknown, mainly because it represents something beyond our control. So, in our fear, we try to be prepared for that which there is no preparation for. I have clients worried about their kids college careers when they are still in grade school. I have clients who become completely overwhelmed before they get out of bed, certain that the day ahead of them will be too much. Fear equals paralysis and disconnects us from the now. It also is a useless feeling when it comes to the future because whatever is going to happen will happen. The tragic irony is people who spend, let's say, 90% of their lives preparing for these potential tragedies or maladies will never face them. It is just wasted energy and takes them out of the present. Life should be lived in the present. Other than warm memories, healthy nostalgia, or inspired visions, time spent in the past or future insures one thing. You are missing the present.

And the importance here works two ways. If things are going well, allow yourself to soak in your blessings. Feel the comfortable bed or chair you sit in as you read this. Note the house you live in, the food in your refrigerator, the eyes that allow you to even read these words. The blessings, when we are fully conscious, are endless. However, if you are in pain, if life is not where you want it to be or envisioned it would be at this point, here is the encouragment. You have control over this moment. You have control over the next thought you allow to occupy your time. Let the bad ones go. Focus on what you have control over. It isn't the past or future. If something needs to change, you can change it. If you temporarily can't change it, you can control how you react to it. You have more power than you realize. And your power rests in the now, in what is.

Love Yourself

It is a basic thing to say; a simple concept really. Love yourself. So, why is it so hard for us to put this into practice? The root cause of so many people's imbalances or mental health woes lies in this struggle. Many of us have tapes playing in our heads which are anything but encouraging, affirming, or kind. Whether it is our physical appearance, our past, or some impossible standards we set for ourselves, many of us spend far too much time in self-harm. We pick apart ourselves with a judgmental lens that is both cruel and injurious to our spirit. While many of us give others a break for their failures or transgressions, we often revisit our own shortcomings time and time again to pile on the pain. This lack of forgiveness for oneself is malevolent behavior and toxic to our emotional well-being.

We need to speak positive thoughts to ourselves. I often encourage clients to post affirming thoughts/beliefs/feelings about themselves on their bathroom mirrors or on their car dashboards; really any place they will see them every day. The intention is to speak in love to the person who needs it most; you. You may or may not realize this, but the most important person in this world is you. I don't write that flippantly or as some insincere, thoughtless attempt to boost your self esteem. I write this as ultimate truth, and here is why.

We can only give away what we have. If you truly love yourself, than from you, love can flow abundantly. This means that your spouses, children, friends, co-workers, clients, and anyone who crosses your path will receive your best. You can quickly see how if everyone practiced self-love what a glorious domino effect this would have on our families, communities, and world. So, self-love is vital to our individual and collective health.

When I ask clients what they do for self-care, I get the funniest looks. It is like I asked them a question about the mathematical implications of the time-space continuum; or as if I was suddenly speaking German and expecting them to understand. This is always very telling. Much like being proactive about mental health in this country, self-care is a rare item on the top of most peoples' priority lists. Unfortunately, it is often only when people have broken down emotionally or mentally, or hit some dire consequence, that they seek therapy (It is estimated most people seek therapy around 7 years after they first needed it). Most of these crisis could have been either avoided or lessened considerably if self-care was a priority. So, what exactly is self-care?

Self-care is anything you set aside time for that reduces stress, brings joy, sparks creativity, fulfills purpose, or relieves current or potentially problematic future symptoms like depression, anxiety, obesity, insomnia, or self-doubt (to name a few). This could be meditation, exercise, an art class, gardening, massage therapy, or a spiritual retreat. It could involve time alone or time with friends. It is about nurturing oneself and mentally saying to oneself, I matter.

The resistance I often get with this is very predictable. The first excuse is "I simply don't have the time". To which I say, what takes more time; an extended emotional breakdown and possibly a physical one as well (for this is often the price of poor self-care)? Or, a considerate, compassionate scheduling of self-loving activities which keep you healthy and renewed. The second excuse is, "I don't have the money." That would be a fair argument, if I was only advocating for spa days and luxury indulgences, which I'm not. When was the last time you watched the sunset? Or, you walked that trail near your house that always brings about a sense of calm. Self-care is about following that inner voice in us all that leads us to a quiet mind.

Our world is moving at a breakneck pace. Sometimes I find myself with my laptop open, the TV on, while simultaneously texting friends and reviewing the ups and downs of the day like some over-caffeinated madman. When I catch myself in these positions I often laugh at the insanity of it all. Do I really need this much stimulation? Am I really getting anything of value accomplished here? Or, am I just overloading my being with mostly fruitless information that I will toss out at days end because my mind is already overcrowded with so much stuff.

So, I do yoga. I meditate. I pray. And I will go to the beach this weekend and get lost in a good read, stare at the shore, and listen to my kids' laughter. I call it pushing the reset button, but it is really about self-care. It is about grounding myself in the things which heal or comfort in order to recharge so I am of use to my family, my clients, but mostly, to myself. Because again, I can only give away what I have, and if I don't practice self-love and self-care, that won't be very much.

Specialties

I thought I might should list a few of the issues in which I have experience, training, and am passionate about helping with. If you suffer from anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, addiction, relationship issues, spiritual/existential struggles, or are a sexual abuse survivor, I am honored to assist you in your healing at my Belmont office. I have now connected my blog to my website and you can visit it by clicking on the link above.