The Moon Can Eclipse the Sun

We have so much power, yet we often fail to recognize it. Our own healing, transformation, and wellness can begin simply with thought. Try this simple exercise. I want you to think about something that pains you. Maybe it is a personal or worldly injustice, 9-11, a starving child, the horror of war. Allow yourself to envision this. What do you feel? Sadness? Hopelessness? Desperation? Anger? Probably a little bit of all these things and more; right?

Okay. Now let go of that thought and instead think of something quite the contrary. Picture your child's smile; or your dog's unconditional love as she or he greets you. Think of a heroic act, or just a simple one of kindness you witnessed. What do you feel now? Happy? Reassured? Connected? Peaceful?

Our thoughts are the horses which drive the mood carriage. With them we create our emotional states of being. The Buddha said: "We are what we think. All that we are arises from our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world." In Proverbs (23:7) it states, "For as he thinks within himself, so he is." This is ancient wisdom. Mystics and sages have for thousand of years shared this truth, yet we often feel like our suffering is caused by external forces. Likewise, many of us also seek validation from the external, which is a very dangerous thing (as I will discuss a bit later).

I realize the critical part of you might be saying, "Well, I have had all these bad things happen to me. I lost a loved one, or a job. Or, I battle this disease daily. Or, I was abused." While I am exceptionally empathetic to these and many other painful struggles, and while I whole heartedly agree and champion the fact that one must grieve their losses and pain first, in order to return to wholeness (wellness), I am merely stating that our thinking is perhaps the most vital to our mental health.

Simply put, if we stay in our depressive thoughts too long, we will become depressed. If we stay in our fearful thoughts too long, we will become anxious. Also, the narrative we tell ourselves is so important. If I tell myself I am a victim or a martyr, than I am in danger of playing this role out for the rest of my life. At some point, after the proper grieving is expressed, or the cathartic pain/shame/struggle is revealed, we must move forward with our thinking to the blessings of life; otherwise we will stay stuck in this destructive, debilitating story which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The moon can eclipse the sun. By this I mean, the struggles revealed by my clients often block out their innumerable blessings/supports/resources. The focus is on what isn't, instead of what is. When we are lost in depression or anxiety, there is almost always a cognitive distortion in our objectivity. For example, the depressed client becomes convinced he or she has nothing to be hopeful about. When pressed for details as to why they think this, it becomes clear that they are not seeing the whole picture. In his groundbreaking novel "Feeling Good", Dr. David Burns shows how these cognitive distortions come to be. He lists ten struggles of an imbalanced mind that plague clients, particularly those lost in depression. They are all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, damaged mental filter, disqualifying the positive, jumping to conclusions, magnification and minimization, emotional reasoning, should statements, labeling and mislabeling, and personalization.

While I can't encourage you enough to read this book, especially if you are struggling with depression or anxiety, I want to share a few thoughts here about his work as well as about mindfulness. I have a friend who is a paraplegic and also blind. His name is Brent. You can imagine where I am going with this already, I'm sure. When I am having a bad day, I can get depressed. I can easily forget that I have eyes that see, or limbs that function, or that I have the luxury of feeding myself. My "moon", which is usually simply one or more negative thoughts, becomes my reality and I can quickly lose perspective. I forget what I have; what I am blessed with. It is an easy thing to do unless we are staying conscious (mindful).

Now, please hear me clearly on this. I am not advocating here for relativism, where you engage in comparing one person's suffering to another's in order to feel better. Absolutely not. I don't think that is truly helpful in the long run. But what I am saying is that when I step back from my (perceived) problem, and look at it through a lens which includes all that is well or right in my life, the problem can become smaller and manageable. I can even become accepting or at peace with it, for the time being, as I work on it. I might, on a good or enlightened day, even embrace the struggle/problem as one that presents an opportunity to grow or learn.

I mentioned earlier about the danger in letting the external dictate your mood or worth. Although this may seem obvious when you are in your sound mind, depression and anxiety can really alter this basic truth. The external, whether it be physical looks, relationships, materialistic goods, or another's opinion of you, can change. We all age in appearance. A spouse, partner, or friend can leave. Things are merely a temporary joy, normally. People can disappoint, abuse, withdraw, or injure emotionally. If we tie up our value in the external, we are allowing for our mental health to be subject to something completely outside our control. To me, that's a very scary proposition.

So, the focus becomes the internal. Am I alright with me? Am I daily affirming myself in love and acceptance? How do I see myself from within and where do I need to grow or change? I need to make peace with that guy in the mirror and figure out how to love him, else I will always be standing on shaky and shifting ground. For those of you who this really resonates with, you intuitively know what I am talking about here. That is what creates the anxiety, the depression, the insomnia, and all the other deleterious symptoms. That's why you struggle to feel at peace or at ease in your body and mind.

Internal validation is something no one should be able to harm or take away. You could tell me I am the worst therapist in the world and that I have no idea what I am talking about; and that my breath stinks, and my clothes are dated, and I am a tremendous bore. But none of that matters if I internally love and value myself. In fact, once you began doing that, I will create a healthy boundary to protect myself from such hurtful talk. I will remove the negative external, which I have the power to do. And I am aware I am beating a redundant drum here (for those who have read my other posts) because it really all comes back to self-love.

Don't let your moon eclipse your sun. Almost all problems are temporary. Those that are not are manageable, if you practice self-care. There is more good, healing, and affirming energy out there than bad. If your depression or anxiety tells you different, recognize that as a lie of the disorder, and work quickly to move it along. The Native Americans view these "illnesses" as visitors whom we can ask to leave at any time. We just have to figure out how and love ourselves enough to take that action.

Guilt: What is It Good For?

I have recently noticed the preponderance of guilt that many of my clients live with. It shows up in a variety of ways but always has the same symptomatic results: suffering, imbalance, despair, insomnia, self-loathing, eating disorders, anxiety, relational disconnection, and/or spiritual crisis. I am aware that is an abbreviated list but the verdict is in, and the finding is that guilt is an unhealthy thing. So, the questions that arise are, what do we do with guilt? What, if anything, is it good for? Since I clearly did something wrong, isn't it appropriate and even necessary that I feel guilty?

My discovery is the following in regards to these questions. Guilt is only useful for three things.

1. To learn a lesson.

2. To change a behavior.

3. To make an amends.

Guilt does serve to alert us that we have erred in some way which goes against our values. It is a signal flare from our conscious or unconscious mind that a behavior or thought is in violation of the standards which we hold true for ourselves. So, in this regard, guilt serves us because it is actively making us conscience. And since our mental and spiritual evolution is dependent on increasing our personal and relational awareness, guilt is an important vehicle for this growth.

However, the three things I listed above are all actions which should take place in due haste. They are typically not things we need to spend lots of time on or revisit often (if at all). Guilt should be a temporary state of mind, only used to affect the right shift in thought or behavior. Once we have discovered the error of our ways, made the healthy change in behavior, and apologized to the party we injured, guilt needs to go; immediately. Holding on to your guilt for one moment beyond acting on these three things is practicing in self-harm.

Let me say a bit more about this. Often due to a poor parental model, an overbearing or critical adult who was in our life (teacher, family member, clergy, etc.), or possibly from our religious background, we have gotten the false and destructive message that we need to carry our guilt. That, in some way we should pay a continual penance even after we have sincerely been contrite. I completely disagree with this. You are doing yourself and your relationships absolutely no good if you are living in guilt or shame. In fact, these feelings will surely create emotional, mental, and even physical sickness. They will also disconnect you from others and your healthiest self.

One of the odd things I notice is how generous my clients and peers are in their forgiveness of others, but how they often hold themselves to another standard. They can have empathy for another's wrongdoing, yet continue to punish themselves for a mistake or transgression that happened days, months, or even years prior. What is especially frustrating for me is when my clients, who express a Christian faith, miss (or misunderstand) the foundational teaching of forgiveness through Christ. In spiritual terms, they mistake the guilty voice in their minds as their own and not that of "the great accuser". This thinking goes against the very Spirit of the God they worship and plays right into the hands of what they would call satan.

Putting specific spiritualities aside though, and thinking just in terms of practicality, guilt is a useless and draining enemy of the mind. We all fail. We all have words and actions we wish we could take back. We all need forgiveness. That is our common humanity. It is inescapable. Forgiveness is the only way to restoration with yourself or others when a wrong has been committed. Without it, we are incomplete beings, forever longing for that graceful salve, and forever lost in our own private purgatory.

Last thing, you have heard people say, "I forgive but I don't forget." Then you don't really forgive. If true love keeps no record of wrongdoings, and I believe it does, than true forgiveness releases the person (in the case of guilt, that's you) from the destructive bondage of sorrow or penance. Again, once you have done the aforementioned three things, say goodbye to your guilt. You have taken care of it. You don't need it a minute longer. It is the enemy of your wellness.

My Daughter's Favorite Video

This one really touches some part of her spirit and mine, so I thought I would share.

Inspiration

For every parent who goes the extra mile to love your child; thank you. So many of my clients' wounds are a direct result of not feeling loved, encouraged, or supported as a child. Many have been abused, neglected, or deeply injured by their parents' failures. I wanted to post this video that inspired me several years ago to try and be a better dad; a better person.