Love Yourself

It is a basic thing to say; a simple concept really. Love yourself. So, why is it so hard for us to put this into practice? The root cause of so many people's imbalances or mental health woes lies in this struggle. Many of us have tapes playing in our heads which are anything but encouraging, affirming, or kind. Whether it is our physical appearance, our past, or some impossible standards we set for ourselves, many of us spend far too much time in self-harm. We pick apart ourselves with a judgmental lens that is both cruel and injurious to our spirit. While many of us give others a break for their failures or transgressions, we often revisit our own shortcomings time and time again to pile on the pain. This lack of forgiveness for oneself is malevolent behavior and toxic to our emotional well-being.

We need to speak positive thoughts to ourselves. I often encourage clients to post affirming thoughts/beliefs/feelings about themselves on their bathroom mirrors or on their car dashboards; really any place they will see them every day. The intention is to speak in love to the person who needs it most; you. You may or may not realize this, but the most important person in this world is you. I don't write that flippantly or as some insincere, thoughtless attempt to boost your self esteem. I write this as ultimate truth, and here is why.

We can only give away what we have. If you truly love yourself, than from you, love can flow abundantly. This means that your spouses, children, friends, co-workers, clients, and anyone who crosses your path will receive your best. You can quickly see how if everyone practiced self-love what a glorious domino effect this would have on our families, communities, and world. So, self-love is vital to our individual and collective health.

When I ask clients what they do for self-care, I get the funniest looks. It is like I asked them a question about the mathematical implications of the time-space continuum; or as if I was suddenly speaking German and expecting them to understand. This is always very telling. Much like being proactive about mental health in this country, self-care is a rare item on the top of most peoples' priority lists. Unfortunately, it is often only when people have broken down emotionally or mentally, or hit some dire consequence, that they seek therapy (It is estimated most people seek therapy around 7 years after they first needed it). Most of these crisis could have been either avoided or lessened considerably if self-care was a priority. So, what exactly is self-care?

Self-care is anything you set aside time for that reduces stress, brings joy, sparks creativity, fulfills purpose, or relieves current or potentially problematic future symptoms like depression, anxiety, obesity, insomnia, or self-doubt (to name a few). This could be meditation, exercise, an art class, gardening, massage therapy, or a spiritual retreat. It could involve time alone or time with friends. It is about nurturing oneself and mentally saying to oneself, I matter.

The resistance I often get with this is very predictable. The first excuse is "I simply don't have the time". To which I say, what takes more time; an extended emotional breakdown and possibly a physical one as well (for this is often the price of poor self-care)? Or, a considerate, compassionate scheduling of self-loving activities which keep you healthy and renewed. The second excuse is, "I don't have the money." That would be a fair argument, if I was only advocating for spa days and luxury indulgences, which I'm not. When was the last time you watched the sunset? Or, you walked that trail near your house that always brings about a sense of calm. Self-care is about following that inner voice in us all that leads us to a quiet mind.

Our world is moving at a breakneck pace. Sometimes I find myself with my laptop open, the TV on, while simultaneously texting friends and reviewing the ups and downs of the day like some over-caffeinated madman. When I catch myself in these positions I often laugh at the insanity of it all. Do I really need this much stimulation? Am I really getting anything of value accomplished here? Or, am I just overloading my being with mostly fruitless information that I will toss out at days end because my mind is already overcrowded with so much stuff.

So, I do yoga. I meditate. I pray. And I will go to the beach this weekend and get lost in a good read, stare at the shore, and listen to my kids' laughter. I call it pushing the reset button, but it is really about self-care. It is about grounding myself in the things which heal or comfort in order to recharge so I am of use to my family, my clients, but mostly, to myself. Because again, I can only give away what I have, and if I don't practice self-love and self-care, that won't be very much.

Specialties

I thought I might should list a few of the issues in which I have experience, training, and am passionate about helping with. If you suffer from anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, addiction, relationship issues, spiritual/existential struggles, or are a sexual abuse survivor, I am honored to assist you in your healing at my Belmont office. I have now connected my blog to my website and you can visit it by clicking on the link above.

False Evidence Appearing Real

You may have heard of this acronym for fear before; False Evidence Appearing Real. FEAR. The great divider. The accuser. The critic. The judge. The freedom stealer. The anxious presence.

Most psychiatric issues or neurosis begin here. Just four little letters, but this can be a monster in our minds. Questions like; what will they think? Is this world safe? Will God judge me? How can anyone love me? Who can i trust? And on, and on, and on.

I have seen fear keep people in very unhealthy relationships. I have seen fear keep people far away from freedom and joy. I have seen it both slowly and quickly destroy self-love, self-esteem, and self-care. It is the great enemy to mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being, and it is such a pervasive force. It shows up in the therapy space so often.

Almost all anxiety disorders begin with affirming a false and irrational fear. For instance, even though someone has locked the front door, they check it again because initially, fear dicatates they do so. Then, before too long, they are checking it five times before bed, then ten, then twenty times throughout the day, until this ritual has become a disabling form of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). A more common example is the person who is so self-conscious of what others think of him or her, that they filter all their actions and speech through, what they perceive, are other people's lenses. Basically, they fear being themselves. and the internalized message is simply, I'm not acceptable as I am. How about the person so scared of spiders that they no longer can take a walk in the woods or spend time in their beloved garden for fear of being bitten? It is easy to see, in those who suffer from specific phobias, how their freedom to move about in the world is devastatingly limited.

I recently had a client, a man in his 60's, who came to see me after an incident in his home, in which he pulled out a gun and scared his wife. She said that although he never threatened her directly, she worried that in his state of mind an accident could have occurred, or that he might have hurt himself. She wanted the guns out of the house. They had been married for 46 years. I asked the man if this was a reasonable request his wife was making, and could he understand her fear based on his actions. While he said he could understand, he told me flatly, as his wife sobbed deeply, that he would rather give up the marriage of 46 years than be separated from his guns. He went on to tell me that he kept a gun in every room in the house; every room.

It was at this point that I asked him why he felt the need to own so many guns and keep one always within arm's reach. Did he live in a dangerous part of town? Had his home or his neighbor's been broken into several times? Had he been the victim of violent crimes in the past? No, was his answer to all these questions and several more. In his 60 plus years of living, nothing like this had ever happened to him. However, the story he had told himself, or the one that had been told to him (through parents, society, peers, etc.), was that this world was very dangerous, and he needed to be on guard at all times.

I will tell you that although this man was in his 60's, he looked much older, and his anxieties (which were not substance induced or health related, as I assessed for this) caused him to both constantly tremble and startle at the slightest provocation. His life of fear had physical manifestations. His life of fear had mental consequences. He lived daily in a irrational and false sense of danger which made his loving marriage of 46 years disposable when it stood in the way of protecting himself from all these perceived threats.

This is just one example, and maybe it is on the more severe side, but fear so often disconnects us from reality. Occasionally, someone's fears come from a past trauma, and thusly are more understandable, but usually the person who fears snakes has never in their life even seen a snake much less been bitten by one. Yet they live in fear that despite their thousands of days upon this earth, today will be the day that they are attacked by a snake. again, fear is usually irrational and false.

What gives these fears more validity and how they become more toxic in our lives is when we don't challenge them. It is when we agree with the part of our mind sending us the faulty information, and then create and enforce the irrational pathway in our mind. Over time, the irrational becomes rational. We presume we need to wash our hands 30 times in a given hour. We think that people who hold a different belief system, skin color or sexual orientation are in some way threatening to our way of life. We become convinced (in the case of panic disorder) that we are having a heart attack or are being looked at by everyone, as our mind sends misinformation which can be crippling. In these cases and countless others, fear is in the driver's seat, and our rational self has been kicked out of the car.

Let me return for a minute to those who have experienced traumas which make them fearful of certain situations or circumstances. While this is indeed understandable, and psychologically is often manifested as PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) or in the 'startle response', the danger in not confronting and battling this fear is of no less consequence than for those with strictly irrational-based fear paradigms. For instance, the iraq war veteran who has returned home safely from the battlefield, but then takes cover in the bushes after a car backfires, is having his quality of life and mental health negatively impacted by unfounded fear.

The same can be said for the sexual abuse survivor, whose trauma still impacts their ability to feel safe in their own home; even in their own skin. Intimate touch from one's partner can still shows up as a violation, or cause such dissociation, that they are unable to enjoy the pleasure of such intimacy. They can also sabotage any chance at relationships because they falsely deem them as all being unsafe. The paranoia can cause untreated survivors to live in constant distress even though their abuser is dead or they are now an adult capable of defending themselves against unwarranted advances. Again, the once real fear is now a false specter which is cruelly dictating behavior. These survivors deserve more and it is in therapy we work to reclaim that which is still being stolen from them.

My focus is on optimum mental health for people. The posture of fear is one of hyper-vigilance, a clenched jaw, a tight body, an unclear mind, poor decision making, and so many other deleterious results. As my friend ned was talking about today, fear is the antithesis to love. For love of oneself and others promotes peace, joy, self-care, and mental well-being.

FDR had it right 99.9999% of the time when he said, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself." There are only a few times in life when fear is actually an appropriate response. The rest of the time, fear not only doesn't serve us but it, in fact, harms us. My encouragment is find out what you fear and move it out of your life with great haste. The freedom, joy, and love will flow more abundantly into your life, and your anxieties will melt away. If you can't do this on your own, seek a therapist, mentor, pastor, or elder you can trust to help you with this work. It is invaluable.

The Gift of Tears

Why do so many people say "I'm sorry" as they start to cry; as if crying is somehow offensive to those who bear witness to it? I see this all the time, both in my personal and professional life as well as on television. Someone begins to become emotional, their voice cracks, moisture brims in their eyes, and there is this rush to shut it off; to apologize for it. Often it feels like whomever it is who gets teary, is trying to spare the other person their pain or sadness. I don't get this.

There is nothing better for us than to cry. I think of Jim Valavno's moving speech during the ESPY's many years ago. He told the crowd that night that a good day consisted of three simple things; to laugh, to think, and to cry. I was only 19 or 20 years old at the time of that speech, but I remember like it was yesterday how much it moved me. And I have learned over the years that I should trust that moved feeling because it often is the one where my soul connects to truth. YES, laugh, think, and cry.

Now the laughing is pretty obvious. We just feel better when we are laughing. In fact, I was listening to a report yesterday on the news espousing the physical and emotional betterments from laughter. Laughter actually adds years to your life to sum up the research study that was being discussed, but we could probably have guessed this without the study.

Thinking; spending time in reflection. It helps us become clearer about the important things so we can prioritize. It allows us to review what we are doing well and not so well in order to either continue or change course. It is the conduit to progress; the mother of innovation, creativity, and consciousness.

But crying? Crying? Yet here I was at 20 years old, watching a man battle for his life in a public forum, and his profound wisdom just hit me so deeply. It was okay to cry. Here is this tough, Italian guy, and college sports coach, a leader of men, saying not only is it okay to cry, but I should do it everyday; that it was good for me; good for my soul. And, again, I knew deep down inside, in a place that hadn't even evolved yet at this point in my young life, that he was right.

Our tears are our catharsis. Our tears are our release. They broker the deal between overwhelming and being able to handle it. They are nothing to ever apologize for. They cleanse us from the inside, and relieve the pressure that threatens us inwardly, should we fail to let them flow.

There is a wonderful song by the band "The Flaming Lips" in which the lead singer, Wayne Coyne, sings/asks, 'Do you realize, that happiness makes you cry?' We have all had these moments. Our joy is forever a partner with our sorrow. The two are inextricably linked in ways that are both obvious and mysterious simultaneously. As Khalil Gibran wrote in The Prophet,

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." So, crying is a blessed event.

I think our culture; our rugged individualism, pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality, just got it all wrong. It is in our vulnerability that we become most human, and thusly most connected. This is a life about relationships. If i can cry with you, we are great friends; trusted allies. If i have to apologize for my tears, then I must not feel too safe in revealing my truer self to you. For the truer self in all of us at times is a sadness, a longing, a need to be nurtured.

My discovery is that of Conor Oberst's who sang, "and your eyes must do some raining, if you're ever gonna grow." It is through our tears, our hardships, that our character, our empathy, and our wisdom evolve.

so, cry. Unabashedly, without regret. Make no apologies for your tears for they are a gift, and if you try and block them, it is like refusing your friend's compliment, or your neighbor's charity when you are struggling. You are stifling your growth process. Jimmy V not only gave me permission 17 odd years ago but told me I would be healthier for it. He was hundred percent right.

Viktor Frankl- So Many Lessons

Viktor Frankl wrote: "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

This is where I often find my clients. They have come to the realization that their old ways of coping and/or seeing their worlds are no longer working. So, usually with a great amount of resistance (for most of us don't particularly like change), they come to therapy once the consequences are too great to bear.

This is true for the woman who has quietly suffered with anxiety for so long, avoiding this place or that situation, until finally she becomes motivated by her pain and anger. Now aware of the freedom she has lost, she appears in therapy to reclaim her right to an unshackled life. This is true for the man addicted to alcohol, who realizes with great sadness that his drinking is no longer excusable in the face of the impending legal troubles and fractured relationships. This is true for the folks I see lost in their depression, as one day they catch a radiant glimpse that this is not the life that was intended for them. And, the list goes on.

For me, after I read Frankl's book "A Man's Search for Meaning", I was forever changed. In it, he describes in great detail how he mentally overcomes being subjected to the greatest horrors one could imagine. Frankl was a Jewish doctor living in Germany when World War II first began, and it wasn't long until he found himself in one of the nazi death camps. Stripped of everything, with the knowledge that most of his family was dead (wife, dad, mom), Frankl made almost supernatural choices to protect and care for his mind. He realized the nazi guards had control over almost every aspect of his life except for his outlook, his attitude, and his ability to love in the face of torturous, inhumane cruelty.

Frankl clearly could not change his situation. He could only hope that he would one day be freed. So, in the interim time, he marshaled his resourcefulness, his intellect, and his heart, to find out what he could change; and that was himself. He learned how to find meaning in his suffering. He saw how love was a sustaining power greater than the evil which tried to overcome his spirit. He discovered how hope is a bridge to carry one over even the most seemingly impossible circumstances.

Viktor Frankl is a hero of mine. He taught me to focus on what I can control; on what I can change; and how love and purpose are always available to me. In the face of suffering, no matter the depth, I at least have control of how I receive it and respond to it. Other times, I have even more options available than I was previously acknowledging, but the pain often disconnects us from these insights and resources.

In therapy, I work to help others get clarity on what they do and don't have power over. Just this simple exercise can help clients stop fighting pointless battles, and then prioritize what can be affected. Then, the limited life energy they have can be more judiciously used to create meaningful changes to their particular situation.

If we find ourselves trying, for instance, to control others, we are wasting our precious energy. The alternative to this becomes creating healthy boundaries with others, in order to care for ourselves while still remaining loving to them. For my clients overwhelmed by fears or anxieties, it is vital to help them more accurately discern whether these fears are rational or irrational. If they are spending their time and energy being overly prepared for things that will never come to pass, it is obvious they are squandering their life energy fruitlessly. For my clients stuck in depression, we look at what they can do to start the process of asking the depression to leave. This may involve exercise, finally getting closure, sharing the story they have kept hidden for so long, honoring the one they are grieving by returning to a healthy life, and far too many other things to list. These changes are often very personal and specific to their wound, their struggle; and our work is to highlight what will indeed help them find meaning and relief in their sorrow.

The wonderful news is just like Frankl, we all have within us the ability to change. I have witnessed the courage of the wife who finally puts up healthy boundaries with her demeaning husband. I have seen the agoraphobic leave the house, drive themselves to their appointments, find a job, renew their dating life, and ultimately reclaim their place in society. I have watched the shadow of depression slowly melt away, until I get the pleasure of saying goodbye to a client who once felt so hopeless.

And most recently, the joy I was blessed with in reconnecting with a former client, who had suffered for so many years in silence; assured she could never share her heart wrenching story of childhood sexual abuse. She now walked into my office to tell me that after her time in therapy, she had accepted an invitation and courageously spoken her story to a women's group of fellow survivors.

Change is available to us all. Yes, it takes courage. Yes, it takes time. However, the gains made for facing down the things which keep us stuck are innumerable. It is my hope for anyone reading this. The sooner you start, the less time wasted.